Today was nothing like yesterday. I can’t exactly figure it out. I went for treatment - same time every day. Tuesday is my day to meet with the radiologist/oncologist, and then off for blood tests, which are both once a week deals. Yesterday I went straight home and collapsed. Today, I had to drive several extra miles to the lab for the bloodwork. I got home a lot later. I rested for a short time and felt fine. Did laundry, made dinner, cleaned it all up, even heaved some stuff around in the basement. I guess the current plan is to do things when I can and not count on being able to do things at a particular time. That way, anything that gets accomplished is gravy.

As a direct result of this intermittent exhaution, I’m experiencing something very novel in a good way. Too bad it’s temporary. It’s the odd sensation of not being in a hurry. As I was driving the ten miles or so to the lab, I didn’t feel the need to pass any but the very slowest moving vehicles. I didn’t check the clock much. It didn’t matter what time it was. This was going to take as long as it was going to take and no one was really expecting me to show up for duty at a specific time. The knot in my stomach that tells me I’m cutting things close was conspicuous by its absence. I could get used to this, but I’d better not.

It’s not like vacation. My vacations are usually a source of stress just as much as enjoyment. That week off here and there seems too precious to waste even a minute of it. There’s always a backlog of tasks and then you want to fit in some fun. Fun becomes an item to be checked off just like everything else. No, this is entirely different. Not knowing ahead of time how I’m going to be feeling, that half a day of free time that’s left over after treatment doesn’t loom as something that must be filled in a particular way. I can’t plan to cram it full because that would probably be counterproductive. It’s not about goofing off either. If I can get something done, I will. It’s just an absence of pressure.

Since getting used to it would just lead to a nasty readjustment to the real world in a few weeks, I’m going to try to savor it instead.